Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Forgiveness : Test of Servant Leadership

Servanthood - it's nice to talk about it but don't you start treating me like one! Browse through the management titles in a bookshop and you will find a ton of books on the subject of leadership but try doing a search on servanthood, you may be disappointed. Can there really be a marriage between these two terms to create a cliche that suits everyone? Servant Leadership - it sounds right but feels awkward.

It is easy to lead from a place of positional authority. People sit behind thick, tall desks giving orders all the time - that's the easy part. This is because positional authority works only if there is a formal reporting structure i.e. people are paid to obey. What if you want them to go the extra mile, to put in that effort of excellence? That's where positional authority falls short.

Why is FORGIVENESS (clearing the record of those who have wronged me and not holding a grudge) important? When practiced sincerely, it reveals the "human side" of our leadership. We are not as infallible as we thought we are and we are ready to admit and confess when confronted with the truth. When we practice FORGIVENESS, we are sending out the following messages to our team :
  1. I do not have all the answers. I need you.
  2. I value your sense of personal worth and esteem. That's why I am sensitive enough to ask for your forgiveness.
  3. I believe in our future potential together. So, I am not going to let any unresolved hurts get in the way.
Isn't this what real teamwork is all about? Without FORGIVENESS, the team functions but it rarely moves forward. As a leader, your role is more than just positional - you must begin to embrace your sense of moral authority as well. Nothing demonstrates our sense of humanity more than the act of FORGIVENESS itself.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Forgiveness : Who Should Say Sorry First?

Is love having to "never say you're sorry"? Absolutely not! In fact, real love involves saying sorry many times - but the problem is this : Who should make the first move?

When my wife and I get into a tiff, my immediate focus is on her offense and my response then becomes conditional i.e. "I will acknowledge my wrong if she say sorry first!" Why is REJECTION the opposite of FORGIVENESS? When I choose not to forgive, I am actually consciously rejecting the person in my spirit. Our relational ties are now severed. From now on, we are on separate paths. If left unattended, it seethes into anger - fermenting into a stronghold of bitterness in the heart.

Let's get back to the question - "Who should say sorry first?" It is the one who has the greater responsibility. That's why when a grave error is committed by an employee, it is the management that must answer for it. When my daughter commits an offense, I am responsible to step up. This is not to say that my daughter should not say sorry at all - the principle is this : when the one in authority (greater responsibility and maturity) ask for FORGIVENESS, the effect is greater felt. So, when I get into a tiff with the wife - you guess it - I am the one to take the first step towards reconciliation because I am the initiator in our relationship and I as the husband has the greater responsibility to lead in the family.

Asking for FORGIVENESS is not "losing face", it is actually "loosing" your face for a deeper joy ahead! There is no one happier than one whose heart is not burdened by the pain of bitterness.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Forgiveness : The Tongue Bites!

One of the most inaccurate rhymes of all times is "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Words can be so hurtful and damaging to a person that it can be liken to a snake's venom. Can you recall a time when you have been hurt? Often it can be traced back to offensive and degrading words. I could still remember the time when my Primary 3 English teacher calling me "slow-coach" in front of my classmates. The fact that it is lodged in my 40-year old brain shows that the effect is still lingering!

Venom, which can cause pain, nausea, swelling and even death, can be neutralized by a positive electrical charge (amazing, huh?). Similarly, by choosing to FORGIVE (clearing the record of those who have wronged me and not holding a grudge), I am consciously choosing to apply the "anti-venom" of bitterness and refusing to let the hurt fester and grow. That is why it is important to keep short accounts. Personally, I find it helpful to address misunderstandings and conflicts before the end of the day - the longer I wait, the further the venom spreads. It takes a special maturity to take the first step and initiate dialog. It certainly takes extra wisdom if you learn how to understand your "enemies" from their perspective instead of being defensive. Forgiveness is about taking my eyes off my own needs and hurts to see a bigger picture which involves other parties as well. It is a gracious quality that is often overlooked in this world.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Forgiveness : Lessons for the Family

A shepherd is responsible to care for and protect his sheep. Sheep are dependent animals and must be shown what to eat, where to drink and where to rest. They must also be protected from predators. Many times this task is difficult, because sheep are prone to wander and stray from the flock.

Similarly, as a parent - the character quality of FORGIVENESS - "clearing the record of those who have wronged me and not holding a grudge." is so necessary in order for me to be an effective and loving father. How can I practice forgiveness at home as both a father and husband?
  • Learn to use my ears more than my mouth. Find out more about the other person's needs before imposing my own.

  • Discipline my kids in love and not in anger. Making sure that each correction is concluded with a sense of forgiveness (not bitterness and anger).

  • Be transparent to share feelings. Keeping it bottled inside only delays the eruption, not resolved it.

  • When confronted with rude words, I must deliberately respond with a kind voice instead. The one who controls his spirit is better than one who controls a city.
Why is forgiveness important? I guess it is because I need the forgiveness of others as well! Just knowing the fact that I am not perfect should cause me to be willing to extend forgiveness as I have received it.